I'm not doing so well today. My "best friend's" (I use that term extremely loosely. I haven't talked to him in over a year) wife had a baby today. I feel terrible, and it's not against little Miss. Olivia AT ALL, but I just don't care. I don't want to hear about it. For some reason my sisters don't seem to understand that. Because, of course, he's still communicating with them, they all keep getting pictures from him of her and they're forwarding them on to me. I told my mom today that I felt horrible, but I just didn't care. She understood. She only told me so that I would know.
I just feel like crying. 3 years now. 3 whole freaking years and I still don't have a baby. I should be pregnant with my second by this point in time. And I still have zero babies. And it's just not fair. People like freaking Snooki can have children and I can't? I can't stand it. It makes me angry. I don't have any other words then that. Anger.
I keep thinking that I'm okay with not having children, but I'm not. Derek and I had a big fight a couple of weeks ago about money. We can't afford to save for an adoption right now. There is no money to save. Maybe one day we can adopt, but it's not going to be anytime soon. And I'm obviously not getting pregnant on my own, so children are not in our near future. And it's heart breaking.
