Updating before I fall asleep...HA!

As of today, I am officially 11 weeks! This sonogram is from last week though. I still don't think it has completely sunk in yet. I'm still sick enough that there's no way I can forget I'm pregnant, but it still doesn't feel real yet. I'm not sure that it will until I'm actually holding the baby in my arms and no one can take it way from me because it's mine. Which sounds selfish, but I have a lot of family members. And I've waited my turn. When it takes them 4 years from the time they start trying to have a baby until the day they finally get to hold their baby, they can be as selfish as they want. I won't say a word.

I'm feeling off and on okay. Some days are worse than others. Evenings are when I feel the worse, usually, but only on days I've felt okay. I don't start out sick and then get better, or feel good in the mornings, sick in the afternoons and good in the evenings. If I get sick during the day, I stay sick all day. I felt okay today, but then I had to run to Target to get some prescriptions and a 3ft tree (because I really don't feel like putting up the big tree this year) and it took longer than I thought it would. When the guy said my newly called in prescription would be ready in 5 minutes, what he really meant was 30 minutes. And it's hard for me to stand up for too long. So I started feeling bad then and haven't felt good since. My doctor did prescribe a nighttime nausea medicine to help me sleep and feel better, so I waited to take that instead of taking Zofran before dinner like I really wanted to.

Derek has been really awesome. He can be selfish about things sometimes so I was kind of worried, but so far he hasn't been. Tonight he told me he didn't want to do the dishes (his job in the house) he's been complaining because I haven't been folding clothes (one of my jobs in the house) so I made a deal with him. I would do the dishes if he would fold a basket and a half of laundry (yes, I have lots of laundry baskets, don't judge me. I really hate folding). He happily agreed to it. Chores around the house have been the source of many fights for us. In his mind, we have our jobs and that's that. There's no changing it, there's no trading and there's certainly no helping each other. But I think I changed his mind tonight. He's tired of doing the dishes. We've been eating at home A LOT since finding out we're pregnant, so there's a lot more dishes to do. I've also stopped drinking soda, so I use a cup a day now. There's a lot of dishes to do, and I don't mind helping him. But since he just doesn't want to do it, I'm not going to just do it for him. There has to be trade. And since I absolutely hate folding laundry, it was a fair trade. I don't mind digging my clothes out of a laundry basket...he does. I've already told him of a few chores I'm going to eventually be unable to do (like get the clothes out of the dryer...our dryer is in an awkward spot. Once I get bigger I'm not going to be able to bend over to get everything out) and I'm going to need his help. I think he might actually be excited because he simply said "alright" and didn't ask what I was going to do for him.


Speaking of him being excited, watching him watch the sonograms is the best thing ever. It's hard to tear my eyes away from the screen, but last week I finally looked at him. Pure joy. Derek is one of those guys that doesn't really care about other peoples kids and babies. At one point during this journey he expressed to me that he was worried about being a dad because of this. I told him it would be different when it was our kid. I'm glad to see that it's happening before the baby is born. Derek also has very little emotions. But when we heard the heartbeat last week I heard him whisper "Oh my gosh." We did hear the heartbeat at 7 weeks, but it was much stronger and faster this time.

Our sonogram appointment had to be separate from our doctors appointment this week because my doctor I guess had a delivery and wasn't in the office that afternoon. But we had taken the day/afternoon off for that appointment, so we went ahead with the sonogram and I went back to the doctor by myself on Friday. He didn't need to be there for that anyway, so I was okay with going by myself. I got to hear the heartbeat again with the doppler and they did lots of blood work. They called today to change my thyroid medication so I'm hoping once I start on the higher dose, maybe I'll start to get some of my energy back. I know it'll stop my heart from racing. I'm still waiting to get some other results back to see if I have a blood clotting disorder that most women in my family have. My mom has it and Elizabeth has it, but Mary was just tested for it and doesn't have it, so we're praying that I don't either. She's treating me right now as if I have it, but if I do have it, I may have to start taking blood thinning shots soon. Elizabeth had to take them with Aaron and they did not look fun. I'm used to shots, but these way more painful than insulin shots.

My blood sugars are doing good. I see my endocrinologist next Monday so we'll see what all they want to change then. I've only had a few over 200 numbers in the last 4 weeks, so that's awesome. Sometimes it goes a little higher than I would like it to, but it's nothing dangerous, so I'm not worried about it. I'm hoping to hit that time when my sugars start coming down soon. I've had more lows lately, but nothing like what I've heard of from other diabetics. But I've never been one to have numbers like everyone else does, so it wouldn't surprise me if I never get the lows.

Okay, my sleepy medication is kicking in. Hopefully I covered most of everything that has been going on. I have another appointment in 3 weeks, but it's not a sonogram appointment. She said the doctor may want to do one once I get there, but as of now, we're not scheduled for one. So I may not get to see my baby again until after Christmas when we find out if it's a boy or a girl. Oh, and I totally think it's a boy. I'm usually right about these things, but I won't be surprised if we find out it's a girl. Since I've always wanted a boy and think it's a boy, it'll be a girl. That's how things around here usually go. Oh well.

Some huge HUGE news!!!

I'M PREGNANT!!! Holy cow. I've known for a week and it still hasn't completely sunk in all the way yet. Mainly because I'm still in the area for miscarriage, so I'm trying not to get too excited just yet. I honestly didn't think I was pregnant. I bought a pregnancy test to jump start my period since I was 11 days late (not unusual for me every now and then).

According to the doctor, I'm 7 weeks 1 day, but the baby is only measuring 6 weeks 5 days because I more than likely ovulated late (Duh. I could have told them that without the sonogram). We got to see and hear the heartbeat yesterday morning. It was so surreal. I still wasn't sure that there was actually a baby in there until it popped up on the screen, but there was my little turtle in all its glory.

I went to my endocrinologist last Friday and they were more than excited for me. My a1C went up a little bit, but nothing we needed to worry about. They didn't even really change much...but I had just had to change all my settings because my sugars were running so high. Other than that, I'm feeling really gross and sick. The OB gave me a prescription for Zofran so that I can continue to function at work and today is the first day that I've been able to work a whole day without almost throwing up at some point or another in over a week. I'm exhausted and pretty much just want to sleep all day, but then that makes me feel even grosser, so, whatever.

We're not officially announcing the pregnancy just yet because there is still the chance for a miscarriage. So now we're just asking everyone to pray for a happy, healthy baby that I'm able to carry to term. I'm not sure I can take much more grieving after all I've been through with this journey.

I cannot express my thanks enough for those that have been praying for us for so long now. I know that God gave us this baby because of all the prayers. I don't know why He would answer a prayer like this just to take it away, but I also don't understand why it took so long to get pregnant in the first place, so there's no sense in NOT asking for more prayers now.

Again, thank you everyone. I will be sure to update as much as I can. My next appointment is in 3 weeks, and I'll get to see the baby again so there will be more pictures, I promise :)

Finally an update....

I'm not doing so well today. My "best friend's" (I use that term extremely loosely. I haven't talked to him in over a year) wife had a baby today. I feel terrible, and it's not against little Miss. Olivia AT ALL, but I just don't care. I don't want to hear about it. For some reason my sisters don't seem to understand that. Because, of course, he's still communicating with them, they all keep getting pictures from him of her and they're forwarding them on to me. I told my mom today that I felt horrible, but I just didn't care. She understood. She only told me so that I would know.

I just feel like crying. 3 years now. 3 whole freaking years and I still don't have a baby. I should be pregnant with my second by this point in time. And I still have zero babies. And it's just not fair. People like freaking Snooki can have children and I can't? I can't stand it. It makes me angry. I don't have any other words then that. Anger.

I keep thinking that I'm okay with not having children, but I'm not. Derek and I had a big fight a couple of weeks ago about money. We can't afford to save for an adoption right now. There is no money to save. Maybe one day we can adopt, but it's not going to be anytime soon. And I'm obviously not getting pregnant on my own, so children are not in our near future. And it's heart breaking.

Sorry....

I haven't updated in awhile because I really have nothing to say anymore. The things I do have to say is just me whining, and I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear me whine anymore.

For two whole months I was okay with everything. I had accepted my fate as a childless woman. I was happy for people who were getting pregnant before me. All was well. And then last week, something clicked in me again. I can't handle it. I don't want to hear about it. There's a hole in my chest, in my life, that nothing is filling. I have Jesus; I have a great family; I have friends. But I don't have a child. And that's what will fill that hole and I'm not sure it will ever be filled. And it breaks my heart.

Today was especially hard. Nothing specifically happened, but it was like the world came crashing down around me. If I hadn't been at work I would have cried harder than I've cried in a long time. I teared up a couple of times. It was hard. But Elizabeth sent me a video of Aaron walking around the house and now I just keep watching it over and over because it's the most precious thing I've ever seen.

Out of sorts.

I decided to take this month off of everything but work. I didn't clean house, I only did laundry because I ran out of underwear and we didn't try to have a baby. I needed that break. And so, since there was no trying, there was nothing to blog about. Also, I helped out backstage with The Sound of Music, so for about 3 weeks, I wasn't really home except to sleep. And the couple of days that I was home...I don't even remember what I did because I was so tired. I think I just sat on the couch all day and watched HGTV.

So now we're to July, and Aaron turns 1 on Wednesday. I can't believe it's already been a year.  My parents and I are headed to Colorado tonight (we're stopping for the night in Childress) and I'm so excited.

I'm not taking my computer, so if I blog at all it will be from my iPod, so next week when I get back I'll post pictures. Happy 4th of July!!

Nothing new.

I haven't posted in awhile because I don't really have anything to talk about. We're coming up on 6 years of marriage and 3 years of trying to start a family. I've been glad recently that it's taken this long to get pregnant because Derek and I are so much closer now than we were 3 years ago. Our anniversary falls on Fathers Day this year and we decided that we're more important than our dads are, so we're going to spend the day doing something fun. We haven't decided what yet, we just know we're going to do something that doesn't involve going to Gainesville. Because that is no fun at all. I've also almost completely given up on ever getting pregnant. And I'm at peace with that.

OH HEY.

Totally forgot that I had a birthday this week. I turned 28 on Thursday. It was nothing special; I worked all day and then came home to Derek and we went out to eat and then to a movie. We were trying to get to the 6:30 showing of The Avengers at the Cinemark, but we missed it by 10 minutes. But it was okay because there was another showing at 7:10. Derek suggested looking up times at the Rave, since they have cheaper movies right now, but then he didn't want to drive there (of course). So we sat in the car for a little bit, but then really had to go to the bathroom, so we decided to just go in and let them pay for our air conditioning. When we walked up and told the guy what movie and what time, he glanced back up at us, and then said, "That'll be $13." Derek was a little confused, but paid him. I looked up at the board to see what the prices after 6pm were. $8.50 for adults. Hmm....with the $3 3D surcharge, that would equal $23. So we go inside and there's this big sign that says "$3.50 College Thursdays with a valid UNT or TWU ID badge." I turned to Derek and told him the guy only charged us the $3.50. We high-fived for not looking 28 and 29 years old.

Best birthday present EVER.

Captain America

I've talked about my love for photography and posted pictures before, but I must say, last week was my favorite of all time. I'll give you a little back story to the pictures...

Nathan is now 3 1/2 and is really, really smart. Before coming to Texas last week, he was Superman. The only time he didn't have a "cape" (aka; his blankies) tied around his neck was when he was in the bathtub, in the bed, or at church. He knows all about the Justice League and all their names. He must always sleep with a toy in his bed, and this was usually his Superman action figure, or his tiny Batman action figure. When they got here 2 weeks ago I was talking about the Avenger movies with my brother-in-law and he asked if I owned any of them. I had just bought Iron Man 1 & 2, Thor, and Captain America a few weeks ago, so he asked if I could bring them over so he and Elizabeth could catch up on them before they saw The Avengers on their anniversary. Now, Captain America has a really scary bad guy in it. I had warned them about this, so the first thing we watched was Thor. I figured Nathan could sit through and understand most of it (we watched Superman 3 at Christmas, his choice. So. Boring) and he did pretty well. He didn't watch the whole thing at once, but he understood almost all of it with a little explaining. Then, Kent made the decision to let Nathan watch Captain America. He decided to tell Nathan that the bad guy was just wearing a red mask, and we spread the word not to tell him differently. He did really well with that one, too. It was a little hard to understand how Steve Rogers was a little guy and then a big guy at first, but he apparently heard a word somewhere that he understood and all was understood after that. We went to my Grandma's the first weekend they were here and she doesn't have any new toys that a 3 year old boy would want to play with. So, Kent and I went to WalMart that night and Kent got him a Captain America action figure. He had been asking for a shield for days, but we decided that the action figure was safer in my Grandma's house, and the Captain came with a little shield. He. Loved. It. He slept with it for days, flew him around, told everyone about him, it was awesome. Mary heard about his want for a shield, so when she came to help babysit while Kent and Elizabeth went out for their anniversary, she brought him a shield. Happiest. Kid. Ever.

The next day we were outside playing and he kept handing me the shield and telling me when he didn't have the shield, he was Steve Rogers. Then when I needed Captain America, he would run over, grab the shield, and would become Captain America. As we're outside playing, my mom comes out and asks if I brought my camera, which I had. She said she wanted some candid photos of him for a family wall she's trying to get together in the living room downstairs. So, I got my camera. At first he kept trying to say "CHEESE!" and I told him Grandmom just wanted some pictures of him playing, so to just keep playing and I would get some pictures.

 Then I had this brilliant idea. I've posed him before (for his 2 year old pictures. It was the only way to get him to stand still for the pictures), why couldn't I do it again? He's so smart and does whatever you tell him to do. And he had the shield in his hand the whole time. So, this is what came next...

I made him hold the shield up and look up in the tree like he saw something. PURE MAGIC.  I wish I had enough money to get him a Thor hammer and other Avenger toys and masks to take a whole set of Avenger photos. He asked for a cape the other day when he had his Superman shirt on so I asked if he was Superman again. He gave me a funny look and said (I kid you not), "No. I'm Thor" (which he pronounces For). I love that kid.

I also took a few of Baby Brother, but he was filthy, had a food in his hair, and like his mom pointed out, wearing turtles on his shirt. Whatever, he's still really cute.

He doesn't sit as still as his big brother, so these are the only two that I got that are worth anything. The rest of them are blurry or of the back of his head. They're coming back on Wednesday and will be here all day Thursday before heading back to Colorado on Friday, so hopefully on Thursday we can get more. I'm taking the day off to spend it with them and let Elizabeth know I would be available to take more and she was excited. So hopefully next week I'll have more of Aaron and all his cuteness.

PMS

So sometimes my PMS symptoms, unfortunately, include mood swings. And hot flashes lately. I kept snapping at Derek yesterday and in my head I knew I shouldn't be snapping at him, but I couldn't stop it. These horrible, mean words were flying out of my mouth and I couldn't stop them. When we were on the way to the grocery store yesterday at 4pm (made me mad because we were both off yesterday, we could have gone much earlier) so I warned him that it would probably be busy since people were starting to get off work and it was a holiday weekend. Apparently my tone wasn't the best because he asked why I was so snippy with him. I told I wasn't trying to be then, but that I was earlier because it was PMS, which meant my period was coming, which meant I wasn't pregnant again. I told him I was sorry, but he was just going to have to put up with me saying horrible things for the next couple of days.

We've apparently been at this long enough because he shut his mouth after that. When we got married 6 years ago, or heck, even last year, I would have just had to stop talking over the next couple of days because it wasn't fair that I was that mean to him. Now he just takes it, or walks away. It's nice that he's stopped taking it so personally. I explained to him a few months ago that sometimes I have no control over what I'm saying, and that I know I shouldn't be saying those things, but that I can't stop them. I've also started apologizing, before the fact and after, and that has helped a ton.

I feel like over the last few months as I've begun the grieving process, we've grown closer together. We laugh a lot. We joke around, we make fun of each other. We have fun. But when something becomes too much, he's there for me. This is so very unlike him. He usually shuts down and shuts me out when I start talking about this stuff. I don't know if it's the prayer for him, or if he read something, or if he finally realized just how hard this is on me, but it's nice. It's what I've needed all along and didn't have.

So now I'm just waiting for the period. All the signs point to me starting on Monday, unless I'm early or late. I didn't test for ovulation days this month (mainly because I forgot to) so I don't know what day I actually ovulated. But I have an app on my phone that has been spot on the last 3 months, so I just trusted that and what my body was telling me. So, we'll see.

Sickness.

Starting with my oldest sister arriving from Colorado over a week ago with Strep, there have been several people in my family sick over the last week, including me. My mom got strep last Monday, and then it turned into a sinus infection. My younger sister's husband got sick and also has a sinus infection. I wasn't really feeling bad, and only had a stopped-upped nose in the morning and night, but felt fine otherwise throughout the day. BUT, with everyone else being sick, and feeling pretty terrible and starting to cough pretty bad over the weekend, I decided to go to the doctor today. I have a sinus infection, too. Did you know that they're contagious? We had no idea, but they are.

Since I'm trying to get pregnant she did a pregnancy test before she prescribed me anything. It was negative, but my period isn't due for another week, so I'm not so sure that it was the truth. But I'm starting to have my normal week-before-my-period PMS symptoms, so it's probably true. I'm okay with this. It's not the easiest thing, but it's not the hardest thing either. I haven't lost any children. That would be way worse.

New Information.

Often my mom will call me with things that I can do to get pregnant. Usually I've already heard of them and/or have tried them. I'm not sure if she sits around and talks about me not being able to get pregnant or what, but it's usually something someone has told her helped them get pregnant.

Now, I've already read all about how infertility is at an all time high, and the experts have found that this is due to our nutrition. We don't eat like they did in the 50s or 60s. It's a lot of processed food and fast food and we're not getting the vitamins we need in the foods we eat. Taking a supplement isn't always the same as eating it in good foods. So when I couldn't get pregnant about a year ago, Derek and I cut out a lot of things from our diet. We tried adding in more things, but didn't really know what to add. So, my mom calls me the other night and says that their new church secretary's daughter tried for two years to get pregnant and tried everything. So she did some research and found that one serving of full fat diary products like ice cream and whole milk help with ovulation. So she started eating a bowl of ice cream a day and got pregnant. Two years after that, started eating a bowl of ice cream a day and got pregnant again.

I did some research and found out this is true, along with adding other things to your diet, including an iron supplement and a calcium supplement. I already had Derek on an iron supplement because that's supposed to help his guys swim stronger. So I promptly went to the store and got some whole milk and supplements. At this point, It can't hurt to try. Drinking a glass of milk and taking more vitamins a day isn't going to do anything but improve my overall health. And considering the problem is that I dot ovulate correctly, and these things are supposed to help with ovulation, it might just actually work this month. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I'm still praying hard.

Progress.

Last week was so terrible. It was the first time I've allowed myself to really feel any emotion other than anger about not being able to get pregnant. I was hurt, I was crushed, I was let down, but most of all I was devastated. I cried really hard for about 30 minutes. Just bawling. I prayed out loud. The dogs didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to do. I was all alone and it was horrible. So I asked for prayers on Facebook, grabbed some Puffs Plus, turned on Captain America and laid on the couch for another hour. A friend was coming over for me to cut their hair, and I didn't want them having to deal with all that (even though they know exactly what's going on). Later I asked if they could tell, and they said no, they had no clue. I looked happy and peaceful. I slept really good that night, but all the crying made my throat hurt for a couple of days. When Derek got home I told him. And I talked to him about how I need for him to care just a little bit. He's been like this since I met him 11 years ago, but I thought surely after almost 3 years of trying, he would be a little more supportive.

His dad called the other day. His birthday is on Monday, so I assumed we would be going to his parents on Sunday for his birthday celebration. Without even talking to me about it, he tells his dad that we'll there on Mother's Day and we'll just go out for both his birthday and Mother's Day on the 13th. I was furious. I haven't gotten to spend Mother's Day with my mom since we've been married. Mother's Day normally falls on the same weekend as his birthday, so obviously we go out with them that weekend. So this year I thought, YAY! I finally get to spend the day with MY mom. NOPE. So when we went grocery shopping the other night we were waiting in the check-out line and there was something about Mother's Day or something, but it was brought up. He was in a good mood so I decided to seize the opportunity. I told him Mother's Day may not be easy for me this year. I didn't want to have to go out to eat to see all of the happy mother's with their children when I'm feeling like this. But now I have to because my in-laws have no clue what's going on. We don't ever talk about it, although his mom sometimes brings it up that she's getting too old and she needs grandkids (she's only 58, so I don't know what she's talking about) but we just smile and laugh it off. So now I have to put on a brave face, and pray I don't start crying at some point during lunch.

Derek and I also started talking about adoption. Like, seriously talking about it. This is my last round of Clomid and if it doesn't work, which I don't think it will, then we'll move into seriously researching it and saving. He's apparently looked into it some because he said he could probably get a discount with a lawyer since he's a teacher. I've always thought I would adopt at some point in my life, so I'm completely okay with it. Yes, I would love to be able to have one of my own, obviously, but if this is the way God sees it happening, then I can't argue with that. He gave me a peace about it last week.

Clomid.

Last round of Clomid starts today. I told Derek the other day that after this, we need to start looking into adoption. I have no idea if there are any other options besides Clomid, but I know I don't want to do IVF or IUI or anything like that. Those don't always work and cost a lot of money. I would rather spend the money on adoption and know for sure that I will have a child, even if it isn't my biological child.

We went to church yesterday, finally. I just told Derek we were going and he said okay. We went to Grace Pointe and really liked it. It's a very new, fairly young church so there's still some stuff that they're working out, but overall, the service was great. And the best part is, it's 3 minutes from our house. And there's a cop to stop traffic. The sermon was exactly what I needed to hear this week. That God isn't ashamed of us, no matter what happens in our lives, and He's bigger than our problems.

Yesterday was my 19th diabetic anniversary. I usually feel like I need a cookie cake or a party or something every year. For some reason Derek thinks its a stupid idea that I need to be congratulated with a cookie cake, when I eat cookies all the time. I told him he was missing the point. I'm doing awesome. I work hard at keeping my numbers where they should be, and as a result, I have no diabetes related complications. And for THAT I feel like I deserve a cookie cake. Because it isn't easy to stay in such tight control. What would be easy was if I completely ignored the fact that I'm diabetic and just did whatever I wanted. Yes, I eat cookies and candy all the time. But I calculate the carbs and take the insulin for it. What he doesn't see is that I'll cut out something else later to account for the carbs of the candy. So it only seems fair to celebrate a day that, 19 years ago, wasn't so awesome. It's one day that I can remember more clearly than any other day in my childhood. My blood sugar was over 400 when I checked into the hospital and I weighed 36lbs. You could see every bone in my body and I felt like crap. Lots of people came to see me that night. My parents weren't there. It was Mary's birthday party and they were with her. My dad was supposed to be there, but when Mrs.Robin showed up with Alex, he left her there with me. Poor Mrs.Robin. I was hooked up to an iv and it sucked. I was 8, almost 9. April 29th, 1993 is a day that I will never forget.

It's worse this time.

I started today. I'm more heartbroken today than I ever have been. I can't stop crying. My dogs don't know what to do, so they're hiding. I have no one to talk to, no one who understands. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep going. More and more people are announcing their pregnancies, and I'm still stuck here, childless. 6 announcements in the last week. And none of them were me. It will never be me.

Heartbroken.

Everyone I know is having a baby in September. Everyone but me. I feel like I complain a lot but it's hard to express over the Internet just how hurt I am. Then my boss tells me her daughter is trying again even though her baby isn't even a year old yet. She will have another one before I do, I guarantee it.

I'm laying in bed right now silently crying. I feel very alone in this battle. My husband doesn't want to talk about it. No one I know has had trouble like this and has no children. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

I've come to the realization....

That I may never have children. It occurred to me last night, and again this afternoon, that this may very well be my life. Just me, Derek, Pippin and Oliver.

I can't decide yet if I'm okay with this. At this very moment, I'm not. Being a Mom is all I've ever wanted to be. It's why I don't have a college degree in anything. I never could decide what I wanted to do because I've only ever wanted to be a mom. So having problems getting pregnant really affects me. I love kids; I love spending time with them, I love being around them, I love loving on them. And the only kids that belong to me live 800 miles away. I got a video of them two nights ago. They were rolling around on the floor loving on each other. It breaks my heart that they live so far away and I haven't seen them in two months. I need one of my own. I feel like there's a part of me missing without a child.

Ugh.

Again, more people pregnant before me. People who haven't been married nearly as long as I have been. Some, not even married as long as we've been trying. I will never understand people who get pregnant on purpose the first year they're married. The first year of marriage was so hard, I can't imagine throwing a child into that.

I ovulated this week, so fingers crossed, prayers going up. I wish there was some way to know for sure the second you get pregnant. Like your lady parts have a clear cover on them so you can see what's going on. HA! That's gross. But it would be very helpful. OR, I wish I was friends with a lady doctor who would run tests on me for free. That's more realistically helpful.

We're waiting on some bad storms here tonight. It's been really windy all day and the storms are supposed to get bad after midnight. Ugh. Pippin will be sleeping in his Thunder Shirt tonight. I might also have to leave the bathroom door open with the blankets in the bathtub for him. I don't mind the storms. After last summer, we need the rain and I will never complain about rain ever again. But I wish it didn't have to happen in the middle of the night. He pants too badly to let him sleep in the bed with us, which is what he wants to do. Supposedly, if we keep using the Thunder Shirt, it should help more and more each time. Even so, I may give him some Benedryl before we go to bed. I hate doing that, but sometimes it's the only thing that helps.

Speaking of bad storms, a tornado just almost hit my cousins house. Her husband is deployed and she has two small children. Thankfully, she has a basement and her in-laws are close by, but it got way too close to her. The Weather Channel wouldn't give us any details but at one point they said it hit the Air Force Base, which they live very close to since her husband is stationed at the base. Her house is still standing and they're okay, but at the moment they're without power.

I think that's all I have for tonight. I gotta take the boys out front to potty one last time before this storm hits. UGH.

General Updating.

Starting this week, I'm working 4 days a week instead of my usual 3. I'm only 2 days in and I'm already exhausted.

Not much has been going on around the Dickerson so that's why I haven't felt the need to update the blog. I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear stories about my dogs all the time.

This past weekend was Easter. I was pleasantly surprised by Derek when he said he would rather spend Easter with my family instead of his this year. I love his family, but the only reason they celebrate Easter is for the candy. And it's not much fun to watch his cousins kids hunt eggs. So, we spent the day with my family. At first I had forgotten that Rachel's new boyfriend, Garrett, was coming home with her for Easter, so when I remembered I was really glad Derek had said we could spend the day with my family.  

We set the camera on the mantle and turned the timer on. How Blanton wasn't ready for the photo, I'll never know. And for some reason, we only took one. We should have taken several. But we were hungry.

Since Mary's EX ruined several holiday photos, my mom always has us take one with just the family. Last year Chris wouldn't even get in any of the pictures we took (even though at that point they both knew they were going to get married. Weirdos).

This is what happens when I leave other people with my camera to go get the dog.

Somehow, we haven't added any more girls to the family since we got Krissy in 1999 so we like to always take a picture with just the girls. If we include the boy dogs, we're outnumbered 6:8. If we don't include dogs, we're still outnumbered 5:6.

My alarm didn't go off on Easter Sunday morning. I overslept by 30 minutes so my hair...I'm just not happy with it. I was going to curl it, but didn't have time. THEN it started raining while we were in church. But Derek's outfit is awesome, yes?

We thought we might take an awesome family photo to give to Derek's mom. NOT. HAPPENING. 

 

I had to get down on the floor to keep Pippin still. Even then, I'm not printing this photo out for anyone. No thank you.

Easter was good. We all went to my dad's church and then back to their house for lunch. We didn't think it was supposed to storm until later in the day, so we were going to just leave the dogs at home all day. But when we got into the car to leave the church it was thundering really bad and my mom couldn't stand the thought of Pippin home alone, scared to death, so she made us go home to get them. I was really glad that we did later when it didn't storm in Gainesville, but was apparently really bad in Denton and farther south. Normally, I would have left him with his Thunder Shirt on and box fans going, and a blanket in the bathtub for him to lay on if he gets in there, but like I said, we didn't think it was supposed to storm until way later after we got home so I hadn't done any of that. He was very happy to see us. They both shed so badly, so I try not to bring them as much as possible, so most of my family hadn't seen them in awhile. Oliver was actually polite and didn't growl at or bite Garrett. That's a first.

I got an iPod about a week ago. I had decided I wanted one for my birthday and didn't want to wait so I got it 2 months early. I'm totally okay with this. My sister has an iPod, too, so we can iMessage. I've been getting pictures and videos of the boys that the rest of my family has been getting for months since they all have iPhones. I felt left out, so that's why I got an iPod. I don't really want an iPhone and now I don't need one.

Well, I think that about sums up the last couple of weeks. Prayer this week would be great. I'm ovulating, so fingers crossed.

Nervous.

So, I did some research tonight, and now I'm sorry that I did. I decided to actually read up on Clomid, and now I'm worried that it isn't going to work. I've already done 4 rounds of it, and in my research I found that you're not supposed to take more than 6 rounds in your entire life. And even if you up the dose, the longer you take it, the less likely it is to work. I had no idea. So now I'm really worried that I've really gotten my hopes up. I'm seriously crushed. I also read that if you've been taking it for several months in a row, to take a month break to allow the lining to build back up and get the Clomid out of your system. HA! I did that by accident. So, if it doesn't work this month, I think I may take a couple of months break and then try one more time before giving up hope completely. But seriously, I'm really freaking out right now. If I had read this a couple of months ago, I could have done something about it. But it never crossed my mind to actually read up on it. And I have no idea why. I guess I've just been living with seeing so many different doctors telling me to take certain medications all my life without ever questioning it, that it never crossed my mind to actually do a little research. Which was dumb on my part when I decided not to go back to the fertility doctor. Dumb, dumb, dumb. My heart hurts. I was optimistic about this month and now, not so much. Again, I'm crushed. Ugh.

Here...We...GO...

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile. I've been so tired this week, and I don't really have anything to update you on so it seemed a little pointless. The only thing that happened this week was that I finally started my period so we can finally start on a new round of Clomid tonight. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. Nervous, because I'm afraid that it won't work again; Excited, because, well, for obvious reasons. I'm not really sure what to think about this month. I want to be hopeful, but at the same time, I don't want to get my hopes up again. My hopes have been crushed time after time for so long now, it's hard to get them up. I'm more optimistic about this month though. I have a much better chance this month, with the high dose of Clomid and all the prayers, that it's a little brighter than other months. But I've been let down so many times now that it's hard to be hopeful about this stuff anymore.

On a brighter note, I got an iPod. So now my sister can finally send me pictures and videos of the boys. And I can facetime with them. I've already gotten a few pictures and videos and we've facetimed twice. I think she may be more excited about this iPod than I am.

I'm getting my hair cut in the morning, but I can't decide how much I want to get it cut. I don't know if I just want a trim, or if I should get a little more than that off. I'm not talking super short...no, no, no. It's taken me way too long to grow it out this much, I'm not about to go and chop it all off. But I can't decide if I like the length of it now and if I want to try and get it longer, or if I prefer it to be a little below my shoulders. I know it's cute that length, it's just a matter of if I change my mind, it'll take another year to grow it out 2". Yes, you read that correctly. That's how slowly my hair grows. It's pitiful. Stupid thyroid. The prenatal vitamins have definitely helped the hair-growing process, but not enough that I'm comfortable just chopping off 3" of hair. I tried to find some pictures of hairstyles the length I'm thinking about, but of course I can't find any good ones. So I guess I'll just sleep on it and decide tomorrow.

That's all I've got this week. Hopefully next week something more exciting will have happened, and hopefully I don't have any horrible side-effects with the Clomid. I'm not sure I can take any hot flashes right now, and I don't think Derek can handle me hating him right now. Fingers crossed for super sore boobs only!!

One step forward, three steps back.

So...the last few posts have been pretty happy. I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then I get a text from my mom. Somebody else I know is pregnant. I'm crushed. I'm hurt. I'm waiting for my husband to say the wrong thing so that I can let all these tears out. I think if I hadn't been at work when I got the text I would have burst into tears. But I was in the middle of a crisis and didn't have time to think about it. Now that I'm home, it may happen at any moment. 

I decided that I'm done hearing about other people getting pregnant. Even ones that have had a hard time getting pregnant. I don't want to hear about, I don't want to read about it, I don't want to think about it. The physical pain that it causes when I hear of other people getting pregnant (again) before me is hard to describe. If you haven't gone through it personally, I'm not sure there's any way for you to comprehend it. Because I know it sounds mean and selfish to say "I really don't want to hear about this joyous time in your life" but I honestly cannot handle it anymore. I could a few months ago. But we're coming up on 3 years of trying, 6 years of marriage, and my 28th birthday and I am still not pregnant and I have no children. It is just simply too much to handle anymore. 

I try not to get my hopes up every month, but every month, it never fails, my hopes go up and then come crashing down every 30 days. Even though we didn't do Clomid this month we still tried just like we normally would have had we been on Clomid. I did ovulation tests and got a positive for a few days in a row just like if I had taken the Clomid. I don't know why I keep thinking that maybe this was the month. I haven't gotten pregnant before not on Clomid, didn't get pregnant on Clomid, so why I keep thinking that maybe we did it is beyond me.

Comments.

So, I thought I had it open for anyone to post comments, but apparently I didn't. So, I finally fixed that. Not that you have to leave comments, but now you have the ability to without having an account. Sorry if you've been wanting to comment and couldn't!

A general update on everything this week and a huge [new] prayer request.

I haven't shared this blog with but a handful of people, mainly because I don't want everyone in my life to know exactly what's going on, but I shared it with a few people that God laid on my heart to share it with. I felt very comfortable sharing it with these people, and now I'm really glad I did.
Now that a few people know what to specifically pray for, I'm really starting to notice it...


...I post about not being able to get Clomid from one doctor, and a different doctor prescribes it to me, no questions asked, no extra money owed and someone I have to see every 3 months anyway.

...I post about being unhappy/sad/depressed, and overnight everything seems to be fine again and I don't mind smiling and joking around at work anymore. I still feel like maybe one good cry would really solve everything but it usually takes a lot for me to cry like I need to right now and I've been trying not to bottle everything up anymore. Running my face into the freezer the other day almost caused it, but I didn't have time for a break down (the black eye I had the next day was pretty epic though). 


Now, I have another prayer request. Derek and I have been married for almost 6 years now and still have no church home. In the first few years of marriage we were moving around a lot and didn't want to have to join several different churches, so we just went to whatever church best suited us for that Sunday. When we lived in Plano we started going to Prestonwood, and really enjoyed it, but we started going on Saturday nights and Derek fell in love with Saturday night services. Since we moved back to Denton almost 3 years ago we haven't been regularly attending a church. It's strange, but no church in Denton has a Saturday night service. At first this was nice. Growing up being in the church every time the doors were open, and a lot when they weren't, it was nice to take a break from not having to be in church every Sunday, sitting in the same spot, surrounded by the same people. We're only about 15 minutes away from my Dad's church in Sanger so on special Sundays, we're there (i.e., Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day). Also any time all of my sisters are in town at the same time. I was in the Sanger Christmas Celebration as part of the adult choir this past Christmas and that was a ton of fun, but I would rather have my own church family, where I go. There was one church in Denton that had a Saturday night service for a little while, but they were a fairly new church and didn't have a permanent location. They moved to a larger location and got rid of the Saturday night service. I've been looking into this church a lot. It's called Grace Pointe Church, so at first I was a little nervous about it. I don't like non-denominational churches. They make me nervous. You can go to their website and see what they believe and preach, but that doesn't mean that somewhere along the lines there won't be a minister on the staff that has their own ideals of things that aren't quite right. 


As you drive out of our neighborhood you pretty much run straight into McKinney Street Baptist Church. It's a fairly large church, but there were never many cars there on Sunday mornings, and it's awkward trying to visit an old, established church so we tried going there. On my way home a few weeks ago (sometime around the middle of February) they were taking the sign down for the church and there two church vans parked around the sign with Grace Pointe's logo on it. So I went online to see what was going on. Apparently, back in December, Grace Pointe bought McKinney Street Baptist Church and they were joining congregations. This was great, but I still couldn't find what I was looking for on their website. After quite awhile poking around I finally found it; their affiliation. And it's with the Southern Baptist Convention. Phew. Finally, I know that what they're preaching/teaching is truly what I believe. 


Their staff looks fairly young from the online photos, and from watching people go into the church last week on our way to Sanger, it looks to be a fairly young congregation as well. They run a Mother's Day Out and a preschool, so their children's building is huge. I really feel led to visit this church, but I cannot get Derek talked into starting to go to church again on Sunday mornings. Being a teacher, he says, he's up early 5 days out of the week and he enjoys his two days with nothing to do. I keep trying to calmly tell him that he wakes up early on the weekends anyway and it's only a couple of hours out of his morning. I need friends. He needs friends. And church is the only place that we're going to find these friends. I keep finding opportunities to reiterate the fact that if we went to church, we would have friends. Like a couple of weeks ago when we had to go to Huntsville to see Rachel in her first ever leading roll in a play at Sam Houston. We were going to be gone all day and we needed the dogs let out. But everyone who knows us and knows the dogs were going to be in Huntsville that Saturday. Thankfully, I have one friend who could do it, and he had just happened to move back from California 5 days before and was going to be in Denton that Saturday. If he hadn't been here, I'm not sure what we would have done. We were gone for 12 hours; that's too long for dogs not to get to potty. But I kept telling Derek, "If we went to church, we would have friends in Denton that I wouldn't mind asking to come over and do this." He gets bored on the weekends and wants to do something with other people, but there's no people to do stuff with. Again I tell him, "If we went to church, we would have friends to do things with." He gets annoyed with me being around him all the time (and soooooo vise-versa) and I, again, tell him, "If we went to church, I would have friends to go do things with and I wouldn't have the need to talk to you all the time."


So I ask that you pray for God to lay it on Derek's heart to take the step to ask me to go to church, instead of me having to drag him church, or making him feel guilty and like he needs to go to church. I want him to take the spiritual leadership role in our family that I've been craving our whole marriage and that he just doesn't seem like he wants to do (mainly because he's lazy). I'm part of a family who has always prayed together, and I've never once prayed with Derek. I pray for him all the time however. Usually at night when I can't get to sleep because he's snoring. But I feel that this is something that is vitally important in our infertility journey. He's been so far removed from the church for so long that he has actually said in the last couple of years, "Why would we just pray for that? God can't fix this. Only we can fix this." It blew my mind. This is a man who, at one point in his life, was ready to be a youth minister. I asked him about that during that other conversation and his response was, "Sure, when I was young and stupid." I know that there's a good, God fearing, spiritual leading man in there somewhere, it's just gotten lost over the years. This is a huge prayer request, but one that has been laid on my heart to share. Not for selfish reasons, but because I don't feel right bringing a baby into a home where we don't faithfully attend church. It's not fair to my children. He was raised only going to church because his Grandmother made them be in church with her every Sunday. When she died when he was about 10, they stopped going and his parents haven't been actively apart of a congregation since. It's the polar-opposite of the way I was raised and the way my family is. Sometimes I can't quite understand it. 


I apologize for this being so long. It took me about an hour to write, wow. Once it all started coming out, I couldn't stop the flow.

I don't really have a title, but I feel the need to put one anyway.

So, whenever I dream about having kids, I usually already have them; they're either babies or toddlers, and once I dreamt about an older child. Two nights ago in my dream, I was actually pregnant. It was kind of an "I didn't know I was pregnant" type of situation. Somebody asked if I was pregnant and I looked down, and lo and behold, I was.

You know how, sometimes, in dreams when you can feel like you're actually having the emotions in real life? Like fear, sadness, or happiness? Say you're having a really bad dream and, even though you're asleep, you can physically feel the fear, even in your sleep. I could physically feel this baby inside me in this dream. It was unreal. I've been carrying this dream around with me the last two days (like I did with the dream about my husband hugging me while holding our newborn) and it's made me sad more than anything. I want that feeling so badly, and I'm truly afraid that I will never have it. So much has medically gone wrong with me in my 27 1/2 years that it wouldn't surprise me if I never had children. It's the one thing I want more anything, and it's the one thing I can't have.

If you told me right now that I could either for sure get pregnant or have a cure for diabetes, but I had to choose one and only one, I would choose the baby, hands down. And that's saying a lot. Because my diabetes is driving me up the wall right now. I want it to die in a fire, soon. But I would live with it for the rest of my life if I meant I could have a child of my own.

Dogs. They're so great.

So, I don't have very many pictures of both of my dogs together. I always see these cute little frames for your dogs photo and I always want to buy them, but then I remember that I don't have any with both of them, so I don't bother.

It was a beautiful day last week and my bridal wreath and some other flowers in my front flowerbed were in full bloom, so I decided to take the opportunity to try and take their photos. It went a little something like this....;

Here's the pretty flowers without the dogs.

This was the first attempt. You see how well that went.

Pippin will usually stand long enough, but he wasn't wanting to at first.

Oliver thought he might be in trouble, so he was army crawling across the yard to get to me. I snapped this one real fast before he ran off again.

They really wanted me to leave them alone.

See how well this is going? Oliver army crawling towards me, Pippin simply not caring that I've got a camera pointed at him.

Oliver would just like to know why he's in so much trouble.

Look how pitiful he is.

I finally look them out front to take their photos by the bush and they were so terrified to be out there off leash that they cooperated for these.

Something was down the street that I never did see, but they wouldn't stop staring at it.

I really love them a lot.

That whole photo "shoot" only took about 15 minutes, but it was exhausting. Mainly because I had to squat down the whole time. So hopefully, these will sate the need to take more pictures of the two of them together for awhile. Because I don't want to do that again for a very long time.

One answer to prayer! FINALLY!

Being the good little diabetic that I am, I go to my Endocrinologist every 3 months. Mostly this is to do blood work, but if I'm having a problem, it gives me the opportunity to talk with an Educator and the Doctor. Since I go so often, they know me pretty well. As far as the diabetes is concerned, I like to self-manage a lot. This is from years and years of having to self-manage and being really good at it. I've educated myself enough, and I know my body well enough that I'm extremely comfortable doing this. If I could get prescriptions without having to see a doctor, I would never go. The way I see it; the Doctor isn't with me all day, every day. She has no idea what's going on in my day-to-day life and even though she has the last 2 weeks of my numbers on paper, that doesn't paint a good enough picture of what the rest of the 3 months I wasn't coming in was like. It took a couple of years for her to finally understand that she can recommend that I do certain things, and watch me change the settings on my pump, but if that's not what I want to do, it's not what I'm going to do. I often change the settings back to how I want them the second I get in the car to leave.

In trying to get pregnant, I've been running my numbers very low. This is because in the first few weeks of pregnancy, when you don't even know that you're pregnant, all the organs are forming. If your blood sugar is too high during those first few critical weeks, it can cause birth defects and even miscarriage. They have known at the doctors office that I've been trying to get pregnant since before I went off birth control. I had to get the "all clear" from them before I was able to start trying. The first year of trying, my doctor kept forgetting that this is what was going on. The second year, she started to become concerned and recommended that I see a doctor. I wasn't ready at that time, so I didn't go. I went to them the day after I made the appointment to see the Fertility doctor so they were aware of that. At my appointment in December she asked how things were going, got the scoop on the Polycystic Ovaries, and sent me on my way.

I went today and got yelled at by the educator, not only for losing 3lbs (which I expressed my anger about because I've been trying to lose a few pound lately because I'm uncomfortable), but also for 3 days worth of low blood sugars (which I couldn't figure out and did everything I could all day to bring them up, they just wouldn't come up). They don't like me running so low, but honestly, I don't like being high. It's what causes complications further down the line, and after 19 years of being diabetic I have had ZERO complications, so I don't see what their problem is. So she was wanting me to run higher in the afternoons. I flat out told her NO. It's uncomfortable for me to be over 140 for any length of time. No, I don't like being under 75, and I correct those lose lows, but when I'm running around 90-100, if I start going low, sometimes I can't catch them fast enough. Since I've never NOT felt a low, she dismissed me to go wait for the doctor to see me. So I wasn't looking forward to seeing the doctor. But once I got in there, finally, she asked what was going on. I told her I was extremely stressed and things were finally getting under control. She completely understood. Since there was absolutely no pattern to when my blood sugar was going low, there really wasn't anything she wanted to change. Especially since it seemed more like it had to do with when I was working than on my days off. She told me to play with my Insulin:Carb ratios and make a note somewhere to turn my basal down on days I'm working.

Then she asked me what was going on with getting pregnant. And I told her all about how they wouldn't prescribe me a high dosage of Clomid without being seen and that I couldn't afford to spend that kind of money right now. Her response? "Nobody can right now. They just want your money. Want me to send in a 'script for Clomid? I will." I'm still kind of in shock. I told her YES. She wasn't really sure about the dosages, but trusted what I told her, so she faxed the prescription over to Target. Her reasoning for doing this, and I agree, is that they didn't do ultrasounds 20 years ago when they were prescribing this, so it's not going to hurt me to take it without the ultrasound now. She asked if I've ever had any cysts burst and I said no (and that's the truth), so she felt very comfortable with prescribing me the Clomid.

She just upped it to 100mg and told me if I wasn't pregnant soon, she would up it to 150mg.

I'm so excited. Seriously. I'm freaking out. I wish I had had this appointment two weeks ago when I started my period so I could take the Clomid now, but oh well. I'm getting positive ovulation tests this week, so *fingers crossed* hopefully I'll get pregnant all on my own, but if not, next month is looking brighter already.

Depression.

I'm a little worried that I may actually be depressed. I'm not happy. I have little bouts of happiness, and then I'm back to being sad. Having never been depressed before, I'm not sure if it's actually depression, or if I'm just really really sad. Either way, it's a horrible feeling to have all. the. time. 

I'm working now, which is good. It gives me purpose; a reason to get out of bed. And I love my job. It's hard enough work that some days I don't have time to think about why I'm unhappy. So for 6 hours, 3 days a week, I can forget about what's going on outside the shop. It's my little oasis. And my bosses love me. I was having a hard day last week with my diabetes and was just really mad at it and when I came back from lunch apparently I didn't look too happy because one of my bosses asked if I was unhappy. I told her yes, but it had nothing to do with work, just everything else in my life, and she let it go. I talk about a lot of things with them, so since I didn't offer it up, she didn't push it. I truly appreciate that. And it wasn't effecting my work, so there was no reason for her to make me talk about it.

I've tried talking about being unhappy with a few people, but it's just so strange to talk about that I don't do it much. I mean, what else is there to say except, I'm unhappy because I can't have children and I have no money? Anyone in my situation would be unhappy. I don't know. I'm in a funk and I can't get out of it.

And it's, unfortunately, affecting my marriage. I hate everything everyone does, and that goes for Derek, too. Poor guy. I mean, he could at least try to be less annoying, but that's not in Derek's nature. I finally told him I was really unhappy the other night but, like always, he didn't seem to care much. I think maybe that's what's getting me down the most. I feel very alone in all this. I have no support system in my home. He couldn't care less whether we have a kid or not so it makes no difference to him. In fact, the longer it takes, the happier he seems to get. It's very discouraging. He's one of those guys that will never be ready for fatherhood. I'm going to have to make him help if we ever have kids. Seriously.

Okay, my venting is over.

Adoption.

Sometimes when I'm alone with my thoughts, I remember things that I haven't put on the blog yet. The possibility of adoption is one of those things.

Yes, I have seriously looked into local adoption on several occasions. After figuring up the cost of fertility treatments, or even if I get pregnant on my own for that matter, it turns out to be a little bit cheaper to do a local adoption. And at this point, I would much rather go with an adoption, where I know 100% that I will have a child, versus going through with a fertility treatment that may or may not work.

So why local adoption and not international adoption? Local adoption is much cheaper, and is usually done in your own county. I know that there are a lot of children that need to be adopted internationally, but there are a lot of children in Texas that need good, loving, Godly homes as well.

Why aren't we running out and adopting a kid right now? Again, money. It may be cheaper to adopt, but it can still be upwards of $10,000 to locally adopt in Texas. And that's money that I just don't have right now. But we are praying about this a lot and starting to save. But in the meantime, we are still trying to have our own baby.

Dreams.

I often, literally, dream about having babies. It's usually that I have just given birth, or I just found out that I'm pregnant, or there's a toddler running around that happens to be mine. They don't usually last for very long, but I always vividly remember them the next day.

I had one last week that was the sweetest dream I've ever had. It was a couple of days after I started this blog, so a couple of days after I decided to hand everything over to God and give up on Clomid. I was holding my new born child (not sure if it was a boy or a girl) and my husband came up and wrapped his arms around the both of us and we just cried. I kept repeating over and over, "I can't believe it finally happened." It broke my heart when I woke up, but it was so sweet that it's stuck with me all week.

I had another one last night. This one was more comical. I had just had a baby girl and was on the way home from the hospital and I said, "Wow, somebody tell Facebook that I just had a baby. I don't think I've mentioned it at all on there." And then I came up with a really awesome way to tell everyone on Facebook of our news.

It sounds sad, but I enjoy these dreams. I generally wake up sad, but it gives me hope, too. And it's a nice change from the other weird dreams I normally have.

Same 'ol, Same 'ol.

Nothing much has been going on lately. Just the same 'ol stuff that's usually happening in my life. Found out the girl I work with (who was supposed to get married in June) is pregnant (they had to move the wedding up to ASAP). Of course. People who aren't trying, who probably don't even want a baby yet, are having children before me. You would think I would be used to it by now, but I'm not.

And on top of everything, I don't get to go to Colorado in two weeks for Spring Break. Now I'm not sure when I'll see my nephews next. May, I guess. That's when they're coming back to Texas.

And my head is just not....right this week. I had a really weird dream early yesterday morning that has thrown my whole week off. I dreamt that I was extremely late for work and it was so realistic it freaked me out. Then today I was just feeling funny, and did an order wrong. My boss was understanding and didn't blame me at all, but I still hate that I did it wrong. I can't tell if it's because I'm tired, or if it's just one of those weeks. I think it may just be one of those weeks. I'm hoping that tomorrow is better, because today was crap.

I don't get to go to Colorado for Spring Break for two reasons; A) Derek's Spring Break is the week after my parents and sisters spring break, and I can't leave my dogs alone like that all week and B) I will HOPEFULLY be ovulating that week and I don't want to pass up any opportunity at this point. I'm not sure what my odds are of actually getting pregnant without taking the Clomid, but I would hate for this to be the month that I ovulate on my own and miss it because I wanted to kiss some awesome baby cheeks. If I have my own baby, then I can kiss awesome baby cheeks whenever I want to.

Speaking of babies...I Skyped with my nephews last night. Nathan is now potty trained. When they put his big boy undies on him on Sunday he said, "Now I really do look like Superman!" (because, of course, Superman wears his undies on the outside of his clothes) Smart kid. And I love love love that every time I've heard his little voice in the last few days I've heard him say, "Mommy, I'm Superman." He was wearing a "cape" (his blankie tied around his neck) last night. Aaron just crawled around the whole time and put lots of things in his mouth. He finally saw me on the computer when he was across the room and smiled at me and made noises like he was talking. Then he crawled over to the computer where I couldn't see him anymore and my sister said he was trying to talk to me from the floor. So she came over and picked him up and I "sneezed" some to make him laugh. It totally worked. He thought I was hilarious. Then he was done with me because, obviously, it's more fun to be on the floor. Nathan showed me all the new trains he got for pooping on the potty and I told him how awesome that was and he was totally proud of himself. I like to make a big deal out of him doing big boy things. He loves it when you make a big deal out of the good things that he's done.

I think that about wraps up my last couple of days in a nutshell. Hopefully I will have more to talk about in the coming weeks, but I make no promises.

Nephews

In the meantime of not having children, my sister has had two beautiful boys. And I love them to death. They are quite possibly my favorite people on planet Earth. My oldest nephew, Nathan, is 3 years old and he loves pirates and trains. My youngest nephew, Aaron is almost 8 months old and he worships the ground Nathan walks on. He's our little patriotic baby...born on the 4th of July. They, unfortunately, live in Colorado, so we don't get to see them as often as I would like. I wish I could spend more time with them, but the time I DO get with them, I make the best of it. When they were in town a few weeks ago for my sisters wedding I took their 3 year and 6 month pictures and I decided to share them with you. Photography is a passion of mine, and I love taking Nathans picture. I did his 2 year old pictures last year and enjoyed it immensely.

The train was a bit scary, but he was so happy!

Scary train? WHERE?! Brother is sooo funny!

They have the same face and hands. It's just funny.

I just want to eat him up. Seriously.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Yes, he really is that precious.

It was very cold, so Nathan is freezing to death.

They love each other so much. It's so sweet.

 

Nathan did a great job of getting Aaron to laugh for us. It helped Nathan to smile, too.

We went to the Train Depot since Nathan loves trains so much. A train came by right as we got there, so we hopped out to take a few shots really quickly. It was going pretty slowly because there was another train waiting to come from the other direction. So in between trains we ran across the tracks and took some photos in the grass before the next one came by. It was a great shoot and I can't wait to do it again soon.