Depression.

I'm a little worried that I may actually be depressed. I'm not happy. I have little bouts of happiness, and then I'm back to being sad. Having never been depressed before, I'm not sure if it's actually depression, or if I'm just really really sad. Either way, it's a horrible feeling to have all. the. time. 

I'm working now, which is good. It gives me purpose; a reason to get out of bed. And I love my job. It's hard enough work that some days I don't have time to think about why I'm unhappy. So for 6 hours, 3 days a week, I can forget about what's going on outside the shop. It's my little oasis. And my bosses love me. I was having a hard day last week with my diabetes and was just really mad at it and when I came back from lunch apparently I didn't look too happy because one of my bosses asked if I was unhappy. I told her yes, but it had nothing to do with work, just everything else in my life, and she let it go. I talk about a lot of things with them, so since I didn't offer it up, she didn't push it. I truly appreciate that. And it wasn't effecting my work, so there was no reason for her to make me talk about it.

I've tried talking about being unhappy with a few people, but it's just so strange to talk about that I don't do it much. I mean, what else is there to say except, I'm unhappy because I can't have children and I have no money? Anyone in my situation would be unhappy. I don't know. I'm in a funk and I can't get out of it.

And it's, unfortunately, affecting my marriage. I hate everything everyone does, and that goes for Derek, too. Poor guy. I mean, he could at least try to be less annoying, but that's not in Derek's nature. I finally told him I was really unhappy the other night but, like always, he didn't seem to care much. I think maybe that's what's getting me down the most. I feel very alone in all this. I have no support system in my home. He couldn't care less whether we have a kid or not so it makes no difference to him. In fact, the longer it takes, the happier he seems to get. It's very discouraging. He's one of those guys that will never be ready for fatherhood. I'm going to have to make him help if we ever have kids. Seriously.

Okay, my venting is over.