Clomid.

Last round of Clomid starts today. I told Derek the other day that after this, we need to start looking into adoption. I have no idea if there are any other options besides Clomid, but I know I don't want to do IVF or IUI or anything like that. Those don't always work and cost a lot of money. I would rather spend the money on adoption and know for sure that I will have a child, even if it isn't my biological child.

We went to church yesterday, finally. I just told Derek we were going and he said okay. We went to Grace Pointe and really liked it. It's a very new, fairly young church so there's still some stuff that they're working out, but overall, the service was great. And the best part is, it's 3 minutes from our house. And there's a cop to stop traffic. The sermon was exactly what I needed to hear this week. That God isn't ashamed of us, no matter what happens in our lives, and He's bigger than our problems.

Yesterday was my 19th diabetic anniversary. I usually feel like I need a cookie cake or a party or something every year. For some reason Derek thinks its a stupid idea that I need to be congratulated with a cookie cake, when I eat cookies all the time. I told him he was missing the point. I'm doing awesome. I work hard at keeping my numbers where they should be, and as a result, I have no diabetes related complications. And for THAT I feel like I deserve a cookie cake. Because it isn't easy to stay in such tight control. What would be easy was if I completely ignored the fact that I'm diabetic and just did whatever I wanted. Yes, I eat cookies and candy all the time. But I calculate the carbs and take the insulin for it. What he doesn't see is that I'll cut out something else later to account for the carbs of the candy. So it only seems fair to celebrate a day that, 19 years ago, wasn't so awesome. It's one day that I can remember more clearly than any other day in my childhood. My blood sugar was over 400 when I checked into the hospital and I weighed 36lbs. You could see every bone in my body and I felt like crap. Lots of people came to see me that night. My parents weren't there. It was Mary's birthday party and they were with her. My dad was supposed to be there, but when Mrs.Robin showed up with Alex, he left her there with me. Poor Mrs.Robin. I was hooked up to an iv and it sucked. I was 8, almost 9. April 29th, 1993 is a day that I will never forget.

It's worse this time.

I started today. I'm more heartbroken today than I ever have been. I can't stop crying. My dogs don't know what to do, so they're hiding. I have no one to talk to, no one who understands. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep going. More and more people are announcing their pregnancies, and I'm still stuck here, childless. 6 announcements in the last week. And none of them were me. It will never be me.

Heartbroken.

Everyone I know is having a baby in September. Everyone but me. I feel like I complain a lot but it's hard to express over the Internet just how hurt I am. Then my boss tells me her daughter is trying again even though her baby isn't even a year old yet. She will have another one before I do, I guarantee it.

I'm laying in bed right now silently crying. I feel very alone in this battle. My husband doesn't want to talk about it. No one I know has had trouble like this and has no children. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this.

I've come to the realization....

That I may never have children. It occurred to me last night, and again this afternoon, that this may very well be my life. Just me, Derek, Pippin and Oliver.

I can't decide yet if I'm okay with this. At this very moment, I'm not. Being a Mom is all I've ever wanted to be. It's why I don't have a college degree in anything. I never could decide what I wanted to do because I've only ever wanted to be a mom. So having problems getting pregnant really affects me. I love kids; I love spending time with them, I love being around them, I love loving on them. And the only kids that belong to me live 800 miles away. I got a video of them two nights ago. They were rolling around on the floor loving on each other. It breaks my heart that they live so far away and I haven't seen them in two months. I need one of my own. I feel like there's a part of me missing without a child.

Ugh.

Again, more people pregnant before me. People who haven't been married nearly as long as I have been. Some, not even married as long as we've been trying. I will never understand people who get pregnant on purpose the first year they're married. The first year of marriage was so hard, I can't imagine throwing a child into that.

I ovulated this week, so fingers crossed, prayers going up. I wish there was some way to know for sure the second you get pregnant. Like your lady parts have a clear cover on them so you can see what's going on. HA! That's gross. But it would be very helpful. OR, I wish I was friends with a lady doctor who would run tests on me for free. That's more realistically helpful.

We're waiting on some bad storms here tonight. It's been really windy all day and the storms are supposed to get bad after midnight. Ugh. Pippin will be sleeping in his Thunder Shirt tonight. I might also have to leave the bathroom door open with the blankets in the bathtub for him. I don't mind the storms. After last summer, we need the rain and I will never complain about rain ever again. But I wish it didn't have to happen in the middle of the night. He pants too badly to let him sleep in the bed with us, which is what he wants to do. Supposedly, if we keep using the Thunder Shirt, it should help more and more each time. Even so, I may give him some Benedryl before we go to bed. I hate doing that, but sometimes it's the only thing that helps.

Speaking of bad storms, a tornado just almost hit my cousins house. Her husband is deployed and she has two small children. Thankfully, she has a basement and her in-laws are close by, but it got way too close to her. The Weather Channel wouldn't give us any details but at one point they said it hit the Air Force Base, which they live very close to since her husband is stationed at the base. Her house is still standing and they're okay, but at the moment they're without power.

I think that's all I have for tonight. I gotta take the boys out front to potty one last time before this storm hits. UGH.

General Updating.

Starting this week, I'm working 4 days a week instead of my usual 3. I'm only 2 days in and I'm already exhausted.

Not much has been going on around the Dickerson so that's why I haven't felt the need to update the blog. I'm pretty sure no one wants to hear stories about my dogs all the time.

This past weekend was Easter. I was pleasantly surprised by Derek when he said he would rather spend Easter with my family instead of his this year. I love his family, but the only reason they celebrate Easter is for the candy. And it's not much fun to watch his cousins kids hunt eggs. So, we spent the day with my family. At first I had forgotten that Rachel's new boyfriend, Garrett, was coming home with her for Easter, so when I remembered I was really glad Derek had said we could spend the day with my family.  

We set the camera on the mantle and turned the timer on. How Blanton wasn't ready for the photo, I'll never know. And for some reason, we only took one. We should have taken several. But we were hungry.

Since Mary's EX ruined several holiday photos, my mom always has us take one with just the family. Last year Chris wouldn't even get in any of the pictures we took (even though at that point they both knew they were going to get married. Weirdos).

This is what happens when I leave other people with my camera to go get the dog.

Somehow, we haven't added any more girls to the family since we got Krissy in 1999 so we like to always take a picture with just the girls. If we include the boy dogs, we're outnumbered 6:8. If we don't include dogs, we're still outnumbered 5:6.

My alarm didn't go off on Easter Sunday morning. I overslept by 30 minutes so my hair...I'm just not happy with it. I was going to curl it, but didn't have time. THEN it started raining while we were in church. But Derek's outfit is awesome, yes?

We thought we might take an awesome family photo to give to Derek's mom. NOT. HAPPENING. 

 

I had to get down on the floor to keep Pippin still. Even then, I'm not printing this photo out for anyone. No thank you.

Easter was good. We all went to my dad's church and then back to their house for lunch. We didn't think it was supposed to storm until later in the day, so we were going to just leave the dogs at home all day. But when we got into the car to leave the church it was thundering really bad and my mom couldn't stand the thought of Pippin home alone, scared to death, so she made us go home to get them. I was really glad that we did later when it didn't storm in Gainesville, but was apparently really bad in Denton and farther south. Normally, I would have left him with his Thunder Shirt on and box fans going, and a blanket in the bathtub for him to lay on if he gets in there, but like I said, we didn't think it was supposed to storm until way later after we got home so I hadn't done any of that. He was very happy to see us. They both shed so badly, so I try not to bring them as much as possible, so most of my family hadn't seen them in awhile. Oliver was actually polite and didn't growl at or bite Garrett. That's a first.

I got an iPod about a week ago. I had decided I wanted one for my birthday and didn't want to wait so I got it 2 months early. I'm totally okay with this. My sister has an iPod, too, so we can iMessage. I've been getting pictures and videos of the boys that the rest of my family has been getting for months since they all have iPhones. I felt left out, so that's why I got an iPod. I don't really want an iPhone and now I don't need one.

Well, I think that about sums up the last couple of weeks. Prayer this week would be great. I'm ovulating, so fingers crossed.