Nothing much has been going on lately. Just the same 'ol stuff that's usually happening in my life. Found out the girl I work with (who was supposed to get married in June) is pregnant (they had to move the wedding up to ASAP). Of course. People who aren't trying, who probably don't even want a baby yet, are having children before me. You would think I would be used to it by now, but I'm not.
And on top of everything, I don't get to go to Colorado in two weeks for Spring Break. Now I'm not sure when I'll see my nephews next. May, I guess. That's when they're coming back to Texas.
And my head is just not....right this week. I had a really weird dream early yesterday morning that has thrown my whole week off. I dreamt that I was extremely late for work and it was so realistic it freaked me out. Then today I was just feeling funny, and did an order wrong. My boss was understanding and didn't blame me at all, but I still hate that I did it wrong. I can't tell if it's because I'm tired, or if it's just one of those weeks. I think it may just be one of those weeks. I'm hoping that tomorrow is better, because today was crap.
I don't get to go to Colorado for Spring Break for two reasons; A) Derek's Spring Break is the week after my parents and sisters spring break, and I can't leave my dogs alone like that all week and B) I will HOPEFULLY be ovulating that week and I don't want to pass up any opportunity at this point. I'm not sure what my odds are of actually getting pregnant without taking the Clomid, but I would hate for this to be the month that I ovulate on my own and miss it because I wanted to kiss some awesome baby cheeks. If I have my own baby, then I can kiss awesome baby cheeks whenever I want to.
Speaking of babies...I Skyped with my nephews last night. Nathan is now potty trained. When they put his big boy undies on him on Sunday he said, "Now I really do look like Superman!" (because, of course, Superman wears his undies on the outside of his clothes) Smart kid. And I love love love that every time I've heard his little voice in the last few days I've heard him say, "Mommy, I'm Superman." He was wearing a "cape" (his blankie tied around his neck) last night. Aaron just crawled around the whole time and put lots of things in his mouth. He finally saw me on the computer when he was across the room and smiled at me and made noises like he was talking. Then he crawled over to the computer where I couldn't see him anymore and my sister said he was trying to talk to me from the floor. So she came over and picked him up and I "sneezed" some to make him laugh. It totally worked. He thought I was hilarious. Then he was done with me because, obviously, it's more fun to be on the floor. Nathan showed me all the new trains he got for pooping on the potty and I told him how awesome that was and he was totally proud of himself. I like to make a big deal out of him doing big boy things. He loves it when you make a big deal out of the good things that he's done.
I think that about wraps up my last couple of days in a nutshell. Hopefully I will have more to talk about in the coming weeks, but I make no promises.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Nephews
In the meantime of not having children, my sister has had two beautiful boys. And I love them to death. They are quite possibly my favorite people on planet Earth. My oldest nephew, Nathan, is 3 years old and he loves pirates and trains. My youngest nephew, Aaron is almost 8 months old and he worships the ground Nathan walks on. He's our little patriotic baby...born on the 4th of July. They, unfortunately, live in Colorado, so we don't get to see them as often as I would like. I wish I could spend more time with them, but the time I DO get with them, I make the best of it. When they were in town a few weeks ago for my sisters wedding I took their 3 year and 6 month pictures and I decided to share them with you. Photography is a passion of mine, and I love taking Nathans picture. I did his 2 year old pictures last year and enjoyed it immensely.
We went to the Train Depot since Nathan loves trains so much. A train came by right as we got there, so we hopped out to take a few shots really quickly. It was going pretty slowly because there was another train waiting to come from the other direction. So in between trains we ran across the tracks and took some photos in the grass before the next one came by. It was a great shoot and I can't wait to do it again soon.
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| The train was a bit scary, but he was so happy! |
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| Scary train? WHERE?! Brother is sooo funny! |
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| They have the same face and hands. It's just funny. |
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| I just want to eat him up. Seriously. |
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| Oh. My. Goodness. |
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| Yes, he really is that precious. |
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| It was very cold, so Nathan is freezing to death. |
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| They love each other so much. It's so sweet. |
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| Nathan did a great job of getting Aaron to laugh for us. It helped Nathan to smile, too. |
We went to the Train Depot since Nathan loves trains so much. A train came by right as we got there, so we hopped out to take a few shots really quickly. It was going pretty slowly because there was another train waiting to come from the other direction. So in between trains we ran across the tracks and took some photos in the grass before the next one came by. It was a great shoot and I can't wait to do it again soon.
Back Story
I guess I should have started by giving a little bit of our back story. Oops. I'll do it in Timeline form to help keep everything straight. And I will start at the very beginning...
April 29th, 1993; I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. My diabetes has always been in control and I've never be in denial about it.
Sometime between 1999-2000; I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. This was caused at very young age due to the diabetes (I probably would have ended up with it anyway, considering pretty much everyone in my family has it, it was just diagnosed very early).
December 2000; I move to Texas and meet Derek. From the first time I saw him I knew he was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
Fast Forward...
January 16th, 2004; Derek and I go on our first date. We went to see Big Fish and afterwords went to Ihop because they eat waffles in the movie and it put us both in the mood for breakfast.
January 17th, 2004; Derek asks me to be his girlfriend. I say yes.
Fast Forward;
June 17th, 2006; Derek and I get married. It was the most beautiful wedding ever, and we have no proof of it because the photographer loaded the film wrong and the video that my uncle took messed up (probably fixable, just haven't ever done tried).
October 2007; We decided to get a dog. My mom found him in the middle of the road, and he was just so cute and smart and sweet, we couldn't let her take him to the shelter, so we brought him home. It took several days to decide on a name, but we finally settled on Pippin from Lord of the Rings.
May 29th, 2008; I start on an insulin pump to eventually get me ready to get pregnant. Diabetes is a lot easier to manage whilst pregnant when you're on the pump. I decided to start pumping at least a year before we start trying so that if I got pregnant right away, the pump would be second nature and I wouldn't be trying to learn how to do the pump while trying to figure out being pregnant at the same time.
June 18th, 2009; We bought our first house. It's a tiny little thing, but we love it. Definitely first home material.
July 2009; Finished my last pack of birth control and didn't start a new one. We had decided to start actively trying sometime in October and I wanted to be off the pill for a couple of months before we started trying so that it was out of my system. My first couple of periods were very normal, and then in November I had a 56 day cycle. I really thought then that we had done it! We had gotten pregnant on our first try. But then the day before Thanksgiving, I started my period. No big deal, it was just our first try. After that my cycles really went however they so pleased. I would go from having a 56 day cycle to having a 29 day cycle the next month, then back to a 45 day cycle the next and so on and so forth.
August 18th, 2009; I decided Pippin needed a buddy in his "big" new house, so Derek and I went to the animal shelter and adopted Oliver. He was a mean little cuss in the beginning, but after years of work, he's pretty sweet now (just don't touch his hands. Or get near his food).
July 2010; My cycles finally decided they had figured out what they wanted and settled on a 32 cycle. They were like that for another year. With them finally be short and predictable, I was able to finally track ovulation with daily ovulation tests. Still we went month after month not getting pregnant.
September 2011; For the first time in over a year, my period was late. And by late, I mean I was on day 48, and still no period. I really thought then that we had finally done it. But on September 13th, I started my period. I finally broke down and called a doctor. It was something I was hoping we could avoid because I was truly afraid of what they would tell me. It was most likely something to do with me, but what if it was Derek's fault we couldn't pregnant? Male infertility usually isn't fixable. Or what if I was just infertile for no reason? Unexplained infertility. It wasn't something I could handle hearing until that fateful day my period started. I made an appointment with a fertility specialist and called my mom to cry and tell her what was going on.
September 26th, 2011; After talking with the doctor about everything that was going on, he decided to do an ultrasound because he said it sounded like I had Polycystic Ovaries. I don't have all the normal symptoms of PCOS, so that is NOT what he diagnosed me with. The cause of this is because of the Hypothyroidism, which again, I was diagnosed with at a very young age due to the diabetes. It's one of the only times in my whole life that I have been angry about being diabetic. There was a lot of information that was thrown at me that day, and I'm still not sure what all I was told. I just knew that I needed to come back in the next time I started my period and they would do another ultrasound and start me on Clomid. I thought FINALLY! Finally I have a chance at getting pregnant. This is great news. Derek also went for his test, and that came back normal, so it was all me. This was even better news.
October 2011; After a 45 day cycle, I finally start my period and get my appointment all set up for the next day. There were no cysts on my ovaries, so I got the prescription for Clomid and headed to check out. That's when the bombshell was dropped. My insurance wasn't paying for any of the treatments that I was receiving at this doctor. And for the appointment that day, the one in September, and the one I was supposed to have at the end of that week, it was all going to come to a little over $1,000. My heart stopped. We couldn't afford that. My dreams were, once again, crushed. So I asked how much it would be for just that day and the previous appointment and paid for half of that.
So now that brings us to this week. After 4 rounds of Clomid 50mg, I'm still not pregnant. I called to see if there was any way that a higher dosage could be called in without me having to come in, but they said no. I have to have a baseline ultrasound done (which is $240 out of pocket) to make sure there are no cysts present before starting another round of Clomid.
So I just decided to fully and completely hand it over to God and ask for prayers from my friends and family. My mom and older sister have been aware of what's going on for awhile. Since my older sister has been married 2 years longer than I have been, and has had trouble staying pregnant, she was someone I could talk to about this. I didn't want to tell my two younger sisters because there was no way for them to relate to me. When my younger sister got married a few weeks ago I decided it was time for them to know, so I asked my youngest sister to pray for me, and my newly married sister had figured it out along the way but had never said anything since I hadn't out-rightly told her. After debating on whether I should give all the details on Facebook or not, I finally decided that I didn't want everyone to know what was going on, it's too personal, so I just said that I have an unspoken prayer request that pertained to my little family, and if they preferred to pray for specific things I would be more than happy to privately message anyone with what it was. I got a huge response from it, and not one person asked what it was for. A couple of them already know what's going on, and I did get a message from a dear friend of my parents that asked if she could specifically do anything for me and I told her all anyone could do for me at the moment was pray. I tried to sound, as best I could, like it wasn't life threatening. Not sure if it worked though :)
So, that's about it, I think. Hopefully I won't have to post for too long about how I'm not pregnant.
April 29th, 1993; I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. My diabetes has always been in control and I've never be in denial about it.
Sometime between 1999-2000; I was diagnosed with Hypothyroidism. This was caused at very young age due to the diabetes (I probably would have ended up with it anyway, considering pretty much everyone in my family has it, it was just diagnosed very early).
December 2000; I move to Texas and meet Derek. From the first time I saw him I knew he was the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
Fast Forward...
January 16th, 2004; Derek and I go on our first date. We went to see Big Fish and afterwords went to Ihop because they eat waffles in the movie and it put us both in the mood for breakfast.
January 17th, 2004; Derek asks me to be his girlfriend. I say yes.
Fast Forward;
June 17th, 2006; Derek and I get married. It was the most beautiful wedding ever, and we have no proof of it because the photographer loaded the film wrong and the video that my uncle took messed up (probably fixable, just haven't ever done tried).
October 2007; We decided to get a dog. My mom found him in the middle of the road, and he was just so cute and smart and sweet, we couldn't let her take him to the shelter, so we brought him home. It took several days to decide on a name, but we finally settled on Pippin from Lord of the Rings.
May 29th, 2008; I start on an insulin pump to eventually get me ready to get pregnant. Diabetes is a lot easier to manage whilst pregnant when you're on the pump. I decided to start pumping at least a year before we start trying so that if I got pregnant right away, the pump would be second nature and I wouldn't be trying to learn how to do the pump while trying to figure out being pregnant at the same time.
June 18th, 2009; We bought our first house. It's a tiny little thing, but we love it. Definitely first home material.
July 2009; Finished my last pack of birth control and didn't start a new one. We had decided to start actively trying sometime in October and I wanted to be off the pill for a couple of months before we started trying so that it was out of my system. My first couple of periods were very normal, and then in November I had a 56 day cycle. I really thought then that we had done it! We had gotten pregnant on our first try. But then the day before Thanksgiving, I started my period. No big deal, it was just our first try. After that my cycles really went however they so pleased. I would go from having a 56 day cycle to having a 29 day cycle the next month, then back to a 45 day cycle the next and so on and so forth.
August 18th, 2009; I decided Pippin needed a buddy in his "big" new house, so Derek and I went to the animal shelter and adopted Oliver. He was a mean little cuss in the beginning, but after years of work, he's pretty sweet now (just don't touch his hands. Or get near his food).
July 2010; My cycles finally decided they had figured out what they wanted and settled on a 32 cycle. They were like that for another year. With them finally be short and predictable, I was able to finally track ovulation with daily ovulation tests. Still we went month after month not getting pregnant.
September 2011; For the first time in over a year, my period was late. And by late, I mean I was on day 48, and still no period. I really thought then that we had finally done it. But on September 13th, I started my period. I finally broke down and called a doctor. It was something I was hoping we could avoid because I was truly afraid of what they would tell me. It was most likely something to do with me, but what if it was Derek's fault we couldn't pregnant? Male infertility usually isn't fixable. Or what if I was just infertile for no reason? Unexplained infertility. It wasn't something I could handle hearing until that fateful day my period started. I made an appointment with a fertility specialist and called my mom to cry and tell her what was going on.
September 26th, 2011; After talking with the doctor about everything that was going on, he decided to do an ultrasound because he said it sounded like I had Polycystic Ovaries. I don't have all the normal symptoms of PCOS, so that is NOT what he diagnosed me with. The cause of this is because of the Hypothyroidism, which again, I was diagnosed with at a very young age due to the diabetes. It's one of the only times in my whole life that I have been angry about being diabetic. There was a lot of information that was thrown at me that day, and I'm still not sure what all I was told. I just knew that I needed to come back in the next time I started my period and they would do another ultrasound and start me on Clomid. I thought FINALLY! Finally I have a chance at getting pregnant. This is great news. Derek also went for his test, and that came back normal, so it was all me. This was even better news.
October 2011; After a 45 day cycle, I finally start my period and get my appointment all set up for the next day. There were no cysts on my ovaries, so I got the prescription for Clomid and headed to check out. That's when the bombshell was dropped. My insurance wasn't paying for any of the treatments that I was receiving at this doctor. And for the appointment that day, the one in September, and the one I was supposed to have at the end of that week, it was all going to come to a little over $1,000. My heart stopped. We couldn't afford that. My dreams were, once again, crushed. So I asked how much it would be for just that day and the previous appointment and paid for half of that.
So now that brings us to this week. After 4 rounds of Clomid 50mg, I'm still not pregnant. I called to see if there was any way that a higher dosage could be called in without me having to come in, but they said no. I have to have a baseline ultrasound done (which is $240 out of pocket) to make sure there are no cysts present before starting another round of Clomid.
So I just decided to fully and completely hand it over to God and ask for prayers from my friends and family. My mom and older sister have been aware of what's going on for awhile. Since my older sister has been married 2 years longer than I have been, and has had trouble staying pregnant, she was someone I could talk to about this. I didn't want to tell my two younger sisters because there was no way for them to relate to me. When my younger sister got married a few weeks ago I decided it was time for them to know, so I asked my youngest sister to pray for me, and my newly married sister had figured it out along the way but had never said anything since I hadn't out-rightly told her. After debating on whether I should give all the details on Facebook or not, I finally decided that I didn't want everyone to know what was going on, it's too personal, so I just said that I have an unspoken prayer request that pertained to my little family, and if they preferred to pray for specific things I would be more than happy to privately message anyone with what it was. I got a huge response from it, and not one person asked what it was for. A couple of them already know what's going on, and I did get a message from a dear friend of my parents that asked if she could specifically do anything for me and I told her all anyone could do for me at the moment was pray. I tried to sound, as best I could, like it wasn't life threatening. Not sure if it worked though :)
So, that's about it, I think. Hopefully I won't have to post for too long about how I'm not pregnant.
Frustrations
I'm kind of really tired of hearing of other people getting pregnant. Even ones who have had a hard time getting pregnant. I want to be to be happy/excited for them, but I just can't be. And now that I can't take Clomid anymore, the chances of me getting pregnant any time soon are slim to none. It's going to take a miracle. Which, I believe in, wholeheartedly, I'm just pretty sure that my sister is going to have another baby before I do and the other sister is going to up and decide her and her new husband need to start having babies SOON and then I'm back to being brokenhearted again.
I know it sounds like I'm whining, and I am, but at this point I feel like I have the right to whine. 2 and a half years. That's how long we have been trying to have a baby. It's too hard. It really is. Every month my period comes it's like I've lost another child. My older sister (who has 2 kids) has had 2 miscarriages. We were talking a few weeks ago about if it's harder to have miscarriages or just not being able to get pregnant. I decided it's about the same. Either way, you're grieving the loss of life. Even though I have never been pregnant, it's still the loss of life every month that I'm not pregnant. So I almost think that it's harder to be infertile than it is to have multiple miscarriages. At least with miscarriages you know you can get pregnant, and there's usually a fixable reason that you're miscarrying. All of the people I know who have had miscarriages have perfectly healthy children. The people I know who have had problems getting pregnant...it took them years, and lots of money, and lots of doctors appointments to get them children. I don't have the time nor the money for that. And that's extremely frustrating.
I know it sounds like I'm whining, and I am, but at this point I feel like I have the right to whine. 2 and a half years. That's how long we have been trying to have a baby. It's too hard. It really is. Every month my period comes it's like I've lost another child. My older sister (who has 2 kids) has had 2 miscarriages. We were talking a few weeks ago about if it's harder to have miscarriages or just not being able to get pregnant. I decided it's about the same. Either way, you're grieving the loss of life. Even though I have never been pregnant, it's still the loss of life every month that I'm not pregnant. So I almost think that it's harder to be infertile than it is to have multiple miscarriages. At least with miscarriages you know you can get pregnant, and there's usually a fixable reason that you're miscarrying. All of the people I know who have had miscarriages have perfectly healthy children. The people I know who have had problems getting pregnant...it took them years, and lots of money, and lots of doctors appointments to get them children. I don't have the time nor the money for that. And that's extremely frustrating.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
New Beginnings
So, I decided to start a blog, even though I'm not sure if I will keep it updated or not. I mainly decided to start one to give me an outlet for our inability to get pregnant. It's something that I always want to vent somewhere, but I'm not really good at keeping a journal, so this is the best place I can think of.
Basically, we can't get pregnant without help, but at the moment we can't afford that help. It involves a lot of doctors appointments that my insurance doesn't want to cover and out of pocket is way too much. So, I have decided to put it all in God's hands and ask my friends for prayers. While I didn't give anyone specifics as to what was going on, I can already feel the prayers coming in. I fully believe that with the prayers of many, somehow, someway, He will either provide us with the money for the doctors visits, or give us a new life.
That's all for now, I think. I'm going to poke around and see if I can figure out how to format all this blog stuff.
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