So...the last few posts have been pretty happy. I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And then I get a text from my mom. Somebody else I know is pregnant. I'm crushed. I'm hurt. I'm waiting for my husband to say the wrong thing so that I can let all these tears out. I think if I hadn't been at work when I got the text I would have burst into tears. But I was in the middle of a crisis and didn't have time to think about it. Now that I'm home, it may happen at any moment.
I decided that I'm done hearing about other people getting pregnant. Even ones that have had a hard time getting pregnant. I don't want to hear about, I don't want to read about it, I don't want to think about it. The physical pain that it causes when I hear of other people getting pregnant (again) before me is hard to describe. If you haven't gone through it personally, I'm not sure there's any way for you to comprehend it. Because I know it sounds mean and selfish to say "I really don't want to hear about this joyous time in your life" but I honestly cannot handle it anymore. I could a few months ago. But we're coming up on 3 years of trying, 6 years of marriage, and my 28th birthday and I am still not pregnant and I have no children. It is just simply too much to handle anymore.
I try not to get my hopes up every month, but every month, it never fails, my hopes go up and then come crashing down every 30 days. Even though we didn't do Clomid this month we still tried just like we normally would have had we been on Clomid. I did ovulation tests and got a positive for a few days in a row just like if I had taken the Clomid. I don't know why I keep thinking that maybe this was the month. I haven't gotten pregnant before not on Clomid, didn't get pregnant on Clomid, so why I keep thinking that maybe we did it is beyond me.
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