Progress.

Last week was so terrible. It was the first time I've allowed myself to really feel any emotion other than anger about not being able to get pregnant. I was hurt, I was crushed, I was let down, but most of all I was devastated. I cried really hard for about 30 minutes. Just bawling. I prayed out loud. The dogs didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to do. I was all alone and it was horrible. So I asked for prayers on Facebook, grabbed some Puffs Plus, turned on Captain America and laid on the couch for another hour. A friend was coming over for me to cut their hair, and I didn't want them having to deal with all that (even though they know exactly what's going on). Later I asked if they could tell, and they said no, they had no clue. I looked happy and peaceful. I slept really good that night, but all the crying made my throat hurt for a couple of days. When Derek got home I told him. And I talked to him about how I need for him to care just a little bit. He's been like this since I met him 11 years ago, but I thought surely after almost 3 years of trying, he would be a little more supportive.

His dad called the other day. His birthday is on Monday, so I assumed we would be going to his parents on Sunday for his birthday celebration. Without even talking to me about it, he tells his dad that we'll there on Mother's Day and we'll just go out for both his birthday and Mother's Day on the 13th. I was furious. I haven't gotten to spend Mother's Day with my mom since we've been married. Mother's Day normally falls on the same weekend as his birthday, so obviously we go out with them that weekend. So this year I thought, YAY! I finally get to spend the day with MY mom. NOPE. So when we went grocery shopping the other night we were waiting in the check-out line and there was something about Mother's Day or something, but it was brought up. He was in a good mood so I decided to seize the opportunity. I told him Mother's Day may not be easy for me this year. I didn't want to have to go out to eat to see all of the happy mother's with their children when I'm feeling like this. But now I have to because my in-laws have no clue what's going on. We don't ever talk about it, although his mom sometimes brings it up that she's getting too old and she needs grandkids (she's only 58, so I don't know what she's talking about) but we just smile and laugh it off. So now I have to put on a brave face, and pray I don't start crying at some point during lunch.

Derek and I also started talking about adoption. Like, seriously talking about it. This is my last round of Clomid and if it doesn't work, which I don't think it will, then we'll move into seriously researching it and saving. He's apparently looked into it some because he said he could probably get a discount with a lawyer since he's a teacher. I've always thought I would adopt at some point in my life, so I'm completely okay with it. Yes, I would love to be able to have one of my own, obviously, but if this is the way God sees it happening, then I can't argue with that. He gave me a peace about it last week.